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I'm here at work, blogging instead of looking up the websites that I need to in order to get an email off to the afternoon shift, in hopes that I can get at least some of my thoughts in order. I'm in one of my more usual moods...which is to say that I feel like I am surrounded by powerful, intelligent people, and I don't know where I come into the picture. Yeah, I know, they have their own foibles, but I can't help wondering where I fit in all of this. The fact is that I can't seem to find my niche, my power, my stability. I mean, I understand that I do have some stability in my wife, K'La. She is wonderful and she thinks that I am great and funny and she thinks that I pull some pretty damn wise remarks outta Gods-only-knows-where sometimes (The whole wounded child growing into the Higher Self comes to mind). I don't know if music is my niche as much as it seems to be my outlet right now. There doesn't seem to be a song that I like to sing that doesn't make me want to start crying, and I know that it is because creativity springs from the emotions, and in order to acess that creativity you must go through the emotions that are there. The big problem there is that I feel like...hell, let's just call it what it is...I don't feel like I am needed. Wanted, maybe, but not needed. I don't really think I have ever been needed by anybody except K'La, and that's not to say "Oh, it's just K'la". It's never 'Just K'La', I think she is special and wonderful and beautiful and my favorite freak and I love her for it. Even when I screech at her because her driving tactics don't coincide with mine. Back to the original topic. Part of the problem seems to be that after my initiation, there was no Choir Celestial showing up at my doorstep to give me a chunk of the Great Mystery for me to 'ohhh' and 'ahh' at to give me impetus to work towards the big thing that I am to become. It's kinda disillusioning when you think about it. Now, if you have been keeping up, you would know that in my last post, I was challenged and/or blessed by the Lord and Lady as well as each of the elements. What I don't understand is that if each person who was there had actually 'called down' their element and the priest and priestess had done the same for the Lord and Lady, is it arrogance then to think that I might be called to do something wonderful and important in this life?? Granted, all of this is conjecture, it could just be that I am to spend the rest of my life living quitely and in the shadows of those that will do great things. Maybe I am just putting too much importance on what is probably just a simple ritual...I don't know anymore. Maybe that is part of the problem...I haven't felt anything that that comes close to a connection with my religion ever since my initiation. There will probably be more on this topic as I continue to contemplate this topic. "I wonder what it would be like to be a superhero..."
Now, on to something different. About a week ago, I had a rather disturbing dream. I was walking through this hilly landscape. It was foggy and I could to varying degrees, make out other people walking in the same direction as I was. No one was walking less than two arms length from anyone else. After a short period of time, I could make out figures that were walking toward us. Soon, I could tell that there was one that was walking directly towards me. The person turned out to be a she and she was only a little shorter than me, dressed in this black suit that had this Edwardian/Gothic feel to it. As she got closer, I noticed that as she was walking toward me, her head was cocked at a funny angle. When she got close enough that I could clearly make out her features, I found out why her head was at that angle...she was dead. Very pretty, but dead. She was Slugah-like thin. For those of you who don't know, the Slugah are a race of the Faye from the White Wolf game Changeling: The Dreaming. One of their most noticable features is that they are almost impossibly thin. Anyways, on with the description. She had a very pretty face with eyes that were blue and had this look of "I know you..." and this small, almost flirty type of smile on her lips. The next thing I know, I am in the foyer of a large, Addams Family-esque house with stairs that led to a overhang on the second floor. All along the second-story wall, there were coffins that were grouped in pairs. There were a pair of coffins directly in front of where the stairs led and my guide/friend was in one of them and she was beconing me to take my place in the empty one next to her. At that point, I woke up, with my heart going at about a thousand beats per second and I was rather disturbed for a couple of days afterwards.
Anyways, have a good week and take care.
Now, on to something different. About a week ago, I had a rather disturbing dream. I was walking through this hilly landscape. It was foggy and I could to varying degrees, make out other people walking in the same direction as I was. No one was walking less than two arms length from anyone else. After a short period of time, I could make out figures that were walking toward us. Soon, I could tell that there was one that was walking directly towards me. The person turned out to be a she and she was only a little shorter than me, dressed in this black suit that had this Edwardian/Gothic feel to it. As she got closer, I noticed that as she was walking toward me, her head was cocked at a funny angle. When she got close enough that I could clearly make out her features, I found out why her head was at that angle...she was dead. Very pretty, but dead. She was Slugah-like thin. For those of you who don't know, the Slugah are a race of the Faye from the White Wolf game Changeling: The Dreaming. One of their most noticable features is that they are almost impossibly thin. Anyways, on with the description. She had a very pretty face with eyes that were blue and had this look of "I know you..." and this small, almost flirty type of smile on her lips. The next thing I know, I am in the foyer of a large, Addams Family-esque house with stairs that led to a overhang on the second floor. All along the second-story wall, there were coffins that were grouped in pairs. There were a pair of coffins directly in front of where the stairs led and my guide/friend was in one of them and she was beconing me to take my place in the empty one next to her. At that point, I woke up, with my heart going at about a thousand beats per second and I was rather disturbed for a couple of days afterwards.
Anyways, have a good week and take care.
