blckwngdorcl: (Death of Supes)
I'm saying this because I feel it needs to be said. I've disabled comments because I don't really want to hear what you have to say about it - "you" being the general public. Actually, I guess it would be better to say that I already have an idea of what you will say.

Over the past couple of years, there was a message that kept repeating itself, like a broken record. The message, I'm sure, came from multiple sources, although there are only 3 that I'm certain that it came from. Now, what was said, and what I heard, I am sure, it could be argued, were two different things. I guess I'm still arrogant enough to think that what I heard holds precedence, which is part of the reason why comments have been disabled. This message, summed up from what I heard, basically boiled down to "You're not good for your wife".

"Total bullshit" is what I thought. Who the hell were you people, with your own lives so fucked up in their own way, that you'd rather try to find fault in someone else's life, than to actually deal with your own shit?

Tonight, I realized that everything you people said was right.

It may be a little melodramatic, but at this point, I can't really think of any other way to put it. I am, or at least I feel that I am, based on these realizations, the bad guy.

Congratulations.

I guess the purpose of this post is to try and help me sort out my feelings. So how do I feel?

Well, for starters, I'm angry. And as much as I would like to say that you are the ones who are deserving of it, the truth is, there's no one that I am angry at, save myself. I'm angry because I spent all that time indignant and so self-righteously angry, that you people had the nerve to say those things, and I was so sure of the fact that you were wrong, when in fact, you were right.

Coming in a close second is shame, for actually feeling, or thinking, or saying, what I thought, what I felt about you, because of what you said, even though you never heard any of it. There's part of me that doesn't feel like I can show my face in certain circles, because I am, in fact, everything you said.

I don't know if there's anything else that I feel at this point. I'm sure there is, but right now it's really all kind of lost underneath those two.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you had to be the ones to deliver that message, and I'm sorry that I reacted the way I did, even though you never really saw it.

There's part of me that believes that there's at least one of you who, if you even read my journal anymore, is getting some level of satisfaction from this. Go ahead and savor it. You deserve it. After all, you were the one I was the most vehement with.

I can't think of words that fully or adequately describe how I feel. "Fool", "idiot" come to mind. Those really just don't even begin to scratch the surface. I mean, what words are there to describe the level of arrogance that is convinced that someone standing outside the situation knows more about it, or might have a better viewpoint, that someone in it.

What is the message that I'm taking from this? What is the lesson, at least in my mind, at this point in time?

At this point, it's really not my place to tell anyone they're wrong. After all, I don't have a fucking clue about what I'm talking about.

I think that about covers it.

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blckwngdorcl: (Default)
A Glenn Albertini

February 2017

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