(no subject)

[blckwngdorcl]

Everything I think of to write sounds too damn melodramatic, but I think I'm going to call it quits for a while. Everything I thought was wrong about me and what I wanted. I know that some will say that this is a self-loathing pity party, but it is how I feel, and I don't really feel like I have to justify anything anymore, so deal. I don't know how long it will be until I come back, not that I really think that any of you really care. Goodbye

Comments

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

*wrinkled brow frown*

What is up, my love? You know that we love you and you can talk to us at any time about anything. It will be okay...I promise.

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Who cares if it's too melodramatic? This is your journal. Rant away. Filter it if necessary, but writing it all down is therapeutic.

Likewise, deciding that everything you thought was wrong...well, there are two possibilities. One, it's not wrong and you're balking because it looks like it might actually happen (or because it's proving to be more sticky than anticipated, or both) (fear of success/fear of failure, which always go together), OR you've just eliminated a category of things you thought you wanted to do but apparently don't. That means you are one step closer to finding what you DO want and doing it.

Both of these options, from my admittedly skewed perspective, look like progress.

[isarma.livejournal.com]

Why do you think no one cares?

Anyway, take care of you and stuff

*hugs*

[grizzlydan.livejournal.com]

Don't go away, dude. Whatever it is, this, too, will pass.

[technomom]

I figure I'm missing just about all the context needed to understand your reasons behind this, but I hope you find what you need. No need to justify anything at all.

Oh - perhaps I should have said this long ago, but I'd added you because you seemed like a very nice person the one time we met in person (at the Trybalaka Yule party), someone I'd like to get to know. This seemed one way to do it. That is still true. Take care of yourself.

[blyssmouse.livejournal.com]

Never apologize or downplay your feelings, but understanding their context is occasionally helpful. I wish you would stay - I'll love you when you're gone.

Ugh - This is Ugly

[monarchprime.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that sympathy is what you expect, and by that I mean I am SURE that it's what you expect, but you're not getting it from me. I would no more give you sympathy than I would give a crack addict a fresh crystal rock to smoke. By now, you're so immersed in sympathy that I bet your mitochondria are choking to death on it.

You realize, of course, that your entire Paradigm is predicated on the acquisition of sympathy; it simply cannot function unless someone is either judging you or consoling you for being judged. Frankly, I understand this all too well because I have lived it myself. It's not pretty. It's ugly. And, quite as you've manifested, it's a mobius loop of depression and drama.

You admit you're dramas are based on the "failure to meet your parent's expectations," whatever they might have been or (much more importantly) whatever you THOUGHT they might have been. You know you've done nothing but reconstruct that dynamic through surrogate parents time and again, each time making choices that disappoint their expectations and each time getting to feel crappy about yourself and sucking up the sympathy of all the good-natured souls around you. Then you "soldier" on and try again at whatever it might've been (i.e., keeping a job, being prosperous, writing lyrical pagan ballads, etc.), only to make choices that fail again, and so on and so on.

Others might let you off the hook, but not me. It's lame. Stop it.

You have the audacity to complain that you feel hollow and lonely inside? You surround yourself with layer upon layer of pretense ("black-winged-oracle," etc.) and then have the nerve to complain that you don't feel authetic and you don't know yourself? Stop trying to be Baron Samedi and try being GLENN for a change.

You incredulously complain at how your art is all fake and hollow when you can barely pull your head outside of the electronically facsimile of life that is online gaming? WHATEVER. How do you expect to produce real art when you saturate yourself with the most banal waste-of-time possible (short of Jerry Spring reruns).

If you really respected your Art, you'd put effort into it. If you really respected your identity, you'd find out what it is. If you really respected the rest of us, you'd make yourself something that we COULD care about instead of complaining and whining that we don't.

Stop trying to find your "higher self" and deal with ALL the layers of your being; the guy down here on Earth needs your attention. If you're depressed, get a therapist and start confronting it (and NO I don't mean your conveniently high-priced -- and therefore inaccessible -- therapist, I mean one who works on a sliding scale -- and I mean BY YOURSELF -- not with K'La). If you're poor, then get a job. If you need an education, find a way to get one.

The bottom line is this: Live or Die, but for God's sake, make a choice and spare us the eye-bleeding accusations.

Re: Ugh - This is Ugly

[blckwngdorcl.livejournal.com]

Thank you for expressing your views. Or, should I say, thank you for *finally* expressing your views to *me*. Now, allow me to say this: This is MY goddamned journal, and as such, I can put whatever I want in it - posts of continuing cycles, epiphanies, or eye-bleeding accusations. I don't have to spare you anything. You can spare yourself by not reading my journal - which you've probably already done. But don't think for one moment that you're going to barge in and make those kind of demands. I don't have to put up with it, or you.

I made the post not because I wanted sympathy from anyone, but because I felt like I needed to express what I was feeling inside, and, at the time, honestly did not know if I was going to post again. I didn't *expect* anything from anyone. Every person's paradigm deals with the giving and receiving of energy. I do not say that mine is the healthiest. I know that I am far from it. Yours, on the other hand, seems to be based on the spewing of rage and cynicism. I have tried, thinking back through the whole time I've known you, and if what has come from you has been anything other than those listed, it has been the exception, not the rule. I may be depressed and worrisome, but it's better than what I see in you.

I'm here, thinking about what I've said, and what there may be left to say, and there's a lot of fear here. "What if he responds?" is a question I have asked myself as this post has been made. But there's this other voice that just says one thing: "Who cares?" I'm going to write what I write. I'm going to act as I feel I should act, given the moment. If that gets labelled, in your cynical mind, as pretentious - so be it. As far as it goes, you can either read the post, and deal with it, or not read it, and that be that. I no longer care.

I don't appreciate the way that you went about this. You have spoken to others about me behind my back, and then had the audacity to do this. I remember a time when there was a big blowup, and accusations were thrown around without a care. I heard some of the accusations, and was appalled. My initial reaction wasn't to go off half-cocked and call the individual and yell and scream and rant at them. My initial reaction was to pick up the phone, call them, and ask to hear their side. I wanted to make an informed decision. That lesson seems to have been lost on you, even though you have made reference to it.

Despite the method of delivery, and the total lack of ability you show to communicate with any type of compassion, you have bludgeoned your way to some points which I am looking into, because heaven forbid if my mitochondria drown.

That post was made before I made some realizations - some decisions that I have made, and am taking steps to change. I won't bore you with the details. You probably won't believe them, anyways.

The fear is gone. So is the anger I felt. It's been replaced with excitement, for lack of a better way to put it. There is no longer any justification in my mind to be anxious, or afraid of anything that might be said. I guess, in that light, I should thank you.

And if, by some chance, you read my, or someone else's post, and feel pretentious enough to give them a tough love wake up call, like you did me - think twice.

Then don't.

[lil-red-witch.livejournal.com]

I know this is unrelated.....I found you! LOL! Hello, I'm the strange red-head in your home.

[blckwngdorcl.livejournal.com]

You were no stranger than the rest. :) I hope you had a good time while you were here.