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I have just finished rereading my journal, including posts that I made when I was using Blogger that I had transplanted into LJ and back-dated. While reading, I found that I had put a quote from a song called "Dead Girls" by Voltaire. It is the same line that is now the title to my journal. The line is "I don't expect you to understand me. I am not an ordinary man...". When I originally wrote it in my blog, I was in the throes of a very deep depression and the line was meant to signify how alone I felt in the world. As I look at the title to my journal, I can't help but ask myself what it means to me now. I'm not depressed, and I certainly don't feel alone by any stretch of the imagination, so why is it there? The answer is simple: I am not an ordinary man. I have grown, I have become more confident in myself and what I can do. I have rebelled against that which I felt was holding me back and that which felt like it was attempting to overwhelm me. I have gained respect in myself that I don't think I would have had were I still toeing the party line.
Much of the changes that have occurred have been internal, such as how I think about things, and as such are not readily noticeable by the outside world. The end result may be the same, but *HOW* I reached them is different. That is why I don't expect you, the reading audience, to understand me. I'm not saying this as a bad thing. I'm not saying this in the "Oh woe is me! No one understands me and never will!" sense. I am saying this as acceptance. No, that's not right. I'm saying this as a celebration of that which makes me who I am. I am rejoicing in the entirety of me. The me that wears the top hat and tells you the things that you don't want to hear, but need to. The me that cries when I sing because I can no longer contain my heart. The me that is awestruck by the sheer beauty that is my wife when we make love. The me that is scared when I see the rough times ahead, knowing that there will be a conclusion, even Though it take a Thousand Years...
When it comes down to it, I can't afford to think of myself as ordinary. A person does not make a mark on the world by being ordinary. I don't care who you are or what you are doing. If you are wanting to make something of your life, if you have a dream, an inspiration that keeps you going, keeps you getting up every day, you are not ordinary. If I was half as wretched as I thought I was a year ago, hell, if I was 10% as worthless as some people think I am, I would have ended it long before this day ever had a chance of happening.
I don't expect you to understand me. I am an extraordinary motherfucker!
Much of the changes that have occurred have been internal, such as how I think about things, and as such are not readily noticeable by the outside world. The end result may be the same, but *HOW* I reached them is different. That is why I don't expect you, the reading audience, to understand me. I'm not saying this as a bad thing. I'm not saying this in the "Oh woe is me! No one understands me and never will!" sense. I am saying this as acceptance. No, that's not right. I'm saying this as a celebration of that which makes me who I am. I am rejoicing in the entirety of me. The me that wears the top hat and tells you the things that you don't want to hear, but need to. The me that cries when I sing because I can no longer contain my heart. The me that is awestruck by the sheer beauty that is my wife when we make love. The me that is scared when I see the rough times ahead, knowing that there will be a conclusion, even Though it take a Thousand Years...
When it comes down to it, I can't afford to think of myself as ordinary. A person does not make a mark on the world by being ordinary. I don't care who you are or what you are doing. If you are wanting to make something of your life, if you have a dream, an inspiration that keeps you going, keeps you getting up every day, you are not ordinary. If I was half as wretched as I thought I was a year ago, hell, if I was 10% as worthless as some people think I am, I would have ended it long before this day ever had a chance of happening.
I don't expect you to understand me. I am an extraordinary motherfucker!
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-03 03:09 am (UTC)From:You are an extraordinary, beautiful, and a million other adjectives that don't even begin to cover it, soul.
And I am overjoyed to be with you.
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Date: 2004-04-03 06:14 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-04-03 06:44 pm (UTC)From:I grok it, and celebrate it. To think of humanity as a whole, it is easy to not see the individuals and what it is that makes them extraordinary, ya know? I've always known, in your own meat and potatoes sort of way, that you were above par, or at least not yer average __________. Good on ya, mate!
Glad to see you cleared this one patch of dark forrest. Hope we all make it... But, then again, "ain't none of us makin' it outta here alive." See ya Friday, my man!