My Yule gift Part 1

"I give you this in inspiration, not intimidation;
as hope, not fear;
as nurturing, not stagnation;
as Love above all else.


May your muse find you as you listen,
inspire you as you dream,
and bless you with her gifts
as you follow your path."


I was sleeping and had a couple of dreams that were...different. The first dealt with a decidedly modern goth chick with grey eyes. I remember telling her that I thought that she had the most beautiful eyes that I had ever seen. She seem genuinely pleased to her that. What followed was almost like a collection of snapshots of her and I, for a lack of a better way to put it, dating. Throughout the dream, I feel good, almost like I am complete on some esoteric level. As soon as the dream was over, I was filled with this sense of total loss, of worthlessness. This feeling that nothing I do will ever really be good enough or be worth anything on any level. I don't really remember anything about the second dream until I was at the end of it except that the feelings of worthlessness continued through it and is still going on now. Towards the end of the dream I was in a loft-like place and I was having a meeting with some other people, none of which I knew. As we were all sitting down, my alarm clock went off, to which everyone looked around at one another with this look of "But we just got here?!?" like they could hear my RL alarm clock...and then I woke up. Like I said, different.


Anyways, I woke up, got ready and K'La picked me up for work. I could tell that she was depressed about something, probably having to do with the fact that we haven't had sex in about a week, which just made me feel like crap even more. Got to work and after asking where I could get another mouse pad, K'La tells me that I will find something useful in our basket. When I look there I see that part of my Yule gift is sitting there. A Gaia Consort CD, which I am listening to right now. The card that came with it included the lines that started this post, whick K'La wrote. And now I am sitting here expecting that what Tim told my wife, that I wouldn't have to work this week as his going away gift to me, to be fullfilled...and now that has been removed without any mention to me about what was said at all....What the hell, I'm leaving so I guess it just doesn't matter at all...



Fuck 'em all


I've decided to put the 'happy-sunshine' CD away and am now listening to Voltaire, a goth artist who's views mirror my own right now. See above centered text. I remember as I was lying in bed, I was thinking about how for all the talk that I was given about not being social, about how they wanted me to be at the coven meetings, that every time I was told that, it was after the fact. It was after the meetings or the get-togethers and that for all the talk they never came to me and asked if I wanted to join them. Part of me wants to tell them to see abouve centered text and just walk away. the other part of me says "You deserve what they give you, you wishy-washy piece of crap." And yet another part says that they are some of my closest friends and you don't treat friends like that, not if you don't want the shit to be visited upon you like that. And all I want is to make all the fucking voices to go away. Just once. For one day is all I ask. But that is obviously too much for everybody.


"I don't expect you to understand me. I am not an ordinary man..." - "Dead Girls", Voltaire